10 Years

These are the days I hate having a photographic memory. I remember too much of this day, too much of the 6 months prior to this day. From January 6 to June 10, 2001 my world revolved around Providence hospital here in Everett. And then when I had to leave the hospital for the final time it was like "now what?"

That was the weekend my Uncle John was to donate marrow since he was fortunately the one sibling (my dad was the youngest of 5) that matched. But chemo had taken it's toll on my dad's body and it had quickly become an 'either/or' situation of how to die: multiple organ failure if we kept on with the chemo; or end the chemo and let the Leukemia do it's dirty work.

I was all geared up to take leave at my job and live for the next several months in Seattle with just my dad in a cute little apartment I found in Capitol hill near "The Hutch" while he went through the bone marrow transplant process. And now... I just didn't have to do that anymore. Everything I had been doing for months was done. He lost. I lost.

But he waited for Rich and me. I had no idea that people had being trying to reach me all morning to tell me to get to the hospital. I was already on my way on my own accord and walked into the cancer wing like I did every day, and into my dads room. And then I heard him breathing and I knew. I had heard that labored breath before and now I recognized it as the breathing of someone dying. My brother hadn't arrived yet, and I don't know times, but I know Rich hadn't been there long (long enough to grasp what was happening) and as we each held one of his hands and told him it was ok to go and told him all the things we probably should have told him to his face years prior, he took his final breath.

I wish he could have held my babies in his arms. I wish he could have been here when my marriage fell apart. I wish he could be here to see that I found Mike (my dad loved football, almost as much as I loved the players.) He totally would approve of my sweetie.

10 years later and I still miss him.


Shafter, CA: I had to be almost 5, Rich just a little baby.
Richard looks like he's about 6 or 7? Mid 80's. At home being silly.
Outside of Captian EO, Disneyland 1988. I was getting to be too cool to hang out with my parents (gag). I thought my fake wayfarers with the hang-10 footprints across the top were THE COOLEST THING EVER. Heck, I was the coolest thing ever!


Let's see if I can get these pics right: At our home in Shafter, CA; Mendocino or Greenhorn camping/hunting on the Borton property; at Morro Bay (in our matching plaid shorts); in front of the family business: The Saratoga Store.